"To Get the Call from the Sitter, the "uh-oh" Call"

There are those weeks, I try to get my "chores" done and I'm faced with the reality, that I am NOT superwoman.  There is no shortage of well wishers, I am blessed with family and friends that do care, but no one is in my shoes.. Connecting with those with similar life dimensions (those who care for someone with autism) is starting to make sense to me.

  I've been trying to prove that we can have a normal family life.  That Jacob is just another person, with a completely new design and I just need to filter that into my daily life.. Its not like that though.  When someone with Autism (my son has a severe degree of it) needs you, it is not a job that you shrug, or take lightly.  I find myself spending the day thinking of ways to increase his potential, how am I going to ensure that he is ok, in the event I am not here.  Gosh, just leaving him with a sitter 2 hours, changes the potential directions of my life for a week!  One inadvertant comment or suggestion out of the norm from my sitter... and my son seems almost scarred!  To get the call from the sitter.. the "uh oh" call.. the "I didn't know that would upset him" call.... makes my stomach drop..I always follow this with, "what did he break?".  A few weeks back, Jacob pushed my antique sewing machine and cabinet over in a fit of rage over something the sitter said.  My perfect, smooth as a babies butt sewing machine... from 1897 "ish" not quite sure, was now, broken.  It was a spectacular machine.. ran on wheel pedal and leather belt.. it was silent and glided with perfect precision.  The machine looked like a chrome and iron delicacy.  It was perfect in every way.  Did you notice I said, "was".  I'm hoping JB Weld will fix it.. for the time being, I have pushed it way to the back of the house, into a closet.  Sigh.

                                                    (How the morning is supposed to start)

My days are filled with teaching Jacob.. (some of his activities he MUST do on his own..I can be no further than a yard away.)  He must learn to do things on his own.  Here I sit. Watching. Being silent, (I wonder, is he getting the creeps?)...chuckle.  Who knows.  He's singing. That's a good sign.  I don't dare get up.  He will lose complete compliance and attention to what he is doing.  So I quietly turn on the computer.  I Facebook.  One wonders what people think.. I am a talker. I cannot be quiet. It is not in me.  I am guilty of going on and on about boring subjects (they are not boring to me).  I have resorted to sending myself stuff.. but that is way boring.  I can be pretty political too.  Hm.  I'm a lot like Jacob in some ways.  (life on my terms).

I want those who feel alone or depressed about their lives to know, enjoy the freedom you have!  Enjoy deciding what you want to do for the moment.  (I cannot afford to be depressed or whine about being alone((truly in some ways though, Jacob, is my best friend.. besides my precious husband... my son treats me so good)).  Some of us, we don't always get opportunities like that (freedom to do as we please).  We must arrange housekeeping, sewing, blogging around that special persons time.  Sure one day, in time, he will learn things cannot always go his way.  My son is trying so hard to understand, himself.  I have to blend into his mind, A. what he is doing, B. why he is doing it, and C. to relearn concepts like blending my likes into his life.

Some days, I have a hard time getting motivated and started on things.. like per say cleaning out the office.. and then that special day comes.  I just wake up energized just right, that I want to work on the office.  Took two months, but the day is here.. I get dressed, fix a coffee.. put my hair up, walk into the office and Jacob comes in.  He starts pulling my arm.  He wants his meds, his breakfast.. Ok, lets do it.  He scarfs it down fast, I've just started the top shelf in the office.. oooo so dusty.. I walk out of the office to get a rag an a bowl of soapy water.. I am headed back to the office.. and my fifteen year old strong and large son, stops me.. NO Wal-ee', NO! WA-lee! (no water! no water!)  He cannot differentiate that if he is not allowed to do it, I might still can.  He panics because I am taking water into the office!  He feels he must stop me.  A small and unique argument ensues. I am not handling it appropriately because I am now frustrated.  I start explaining various things to Jacob, he doesn't get a thing I'm saying.. he starts to bite his hand, oh nooooo, he's stomping.. wait Jake.. I meant to say.. (yaddi yadda etc)..  45 minutes later, Jacob is worn out.  He has quit arguing and he is allowing me to take the now cold soapy and somewhat spilled water into the office.. I have sweat on my brow and my hair has fallen partly out of its bunn.  I walk into the office stare at the shelf.. and I hear Jacob.. he has pulled down a cabinet of plastic bowls.. and filled a big bowl with soapy water.. he is going to soapy up the shelves in his room now.  I ignore, this.. why? because I have decided to "zone out for a few minutes" then it hits me....  WAIT!  Take the books off the shelf first Jake!  OH NOOOOO!  I was saving those golden books.  Jacob starts crying.  He is devastated.  He thought he was doing right.  After 30 minutes (there there Jacob, I pats him on the back) "you were trying so hard to clean that shelf! great job Jake, Just a little water mess, we'll clean it!" (i'm irked but can't show it).. we both sit and take a rest.  I turn on the computer and send out mass pictures of nothing ANYONE is interested in on Facebook>>>must be how I cope.

(Like me please on Facebook) thanks!  Please do check out my mundane photos' I took them all.. Leave a comment and let me know what you think? 

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  We are all calmed down now and Jacob is working on independent studies.. I should probably sit near him.. ensure he does it right.. but its my chance to sneak off and work in the office.. I walk in there.. sigh.  I am no longer interested.  The office has lost its sparkle.. my desire to sort it and clean it is gone.. gosh, I hope I get it back another day... soon.   Sigh.  Time for a nap.